winter

06Dec11

In the last several years, I’ve dealt with a lot of uncertainty, and I’ve only very recently found contentment. For the last couple of weeks, there’s been this lingering unease that continues growing, and if I know myself, I know I will continue to worry that this happiness is but illusory and temporary. I’ve always been a believer of mastering my own fate, and that ultimately my own happiness lies within, something that of which I have not yet fully found. I don’t know whether this will be a life-long battle; will I ever attain all of my dreams, read all the books I want, cross off every item on the bucket list, become the person I’ve always wanted to be?

Things have changed. I am not the person I was a year ago, six months ago, or even since last week. Life is chaotic not in a sense that I’m busy, but that there is a lack of direction of where I want to go in my life. That much– my indecisiveness– has not changed. At the commencement for 2011, I was determined to focus on myself and growing for the entire year. It didn’t turn out that way; Someone else came along in my life and I veered completely off track. But, as life always is, the straggling little fragments and pieces somehow coalesced, and for the first time in the longest time, even amidst the disarray, I feel happiness that I have never known before.

I’m scared because I’ve been conditioned to think that these things won’t last long, and this will not be enough to hold me over. But my close friends tell me that it’s okay to be happy, that this is normal, and that I don’t always have to be chasing something.

I’m getting it twisted, left and right.

I blame the weather. I just want to crawl under my sheets and sleep winter away.